DICE-K? JUST SAY NO!!!!!

"We need to come up with a nickname for this guy -- pronto -- because there's no way in hell my dad is ever going to correctly say "Daisuke," or "Matsuzaka," much less "Daisuke Matsuzaka." And I refuse to call him D-Mat. Right now, I'm leaning toward just calling him "Sookie." Although my dad might be onto something by calling him, "The Japanese Guy." Any nickname suggestions are more than welcome."
- Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons in his latest mailbag on ESPN

Man, I am beginning to hate the Boston Globe. What a bunch of dumb asses. Are monkeys running the show over there? In case you missed it, the Globe has begun calling Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka "Dice-K." My initial thought: Who the hell thinks Dice-K is a clever nickname??? Isn't that how you pronounce his real name? Call him anything else. Argh, I don't even know where to begin on this one...

OK, if we must give him a nickname at all, why not go with something funny or original. And Dice-K is neither funny nor original. Reading the Globe's oh so brilliant survey, I found several I would pick over Dice-K (and was happy that at least 13.7 per cent preferred none of the above). Here are my favorites.

1. Kaibutsu. Matsuzaka's nickname in Japan just also happens to be somewhat pertinent in Boston. Kaibutsu means "The Monster" in Japanese. Fitting, but still a little hard to pronounce. I give it a triple into the triangle for that one.
2. Haz Mat. Again, clever and humorous. Think of all the costumes Sox fans would show up in on game days. Fenway would look like that scene from E.T. when the Feds discover the little alien and take over Elliot's home. That scores a solid double off The Wall.
3. The Yen Master. Simple, but effective. Might work better if he has a stoic demeanor and if he translates into lots of merchandising green the Sox brass hope he will. I give this a bunt single down the third base line.
4. Mat-zilla or The Gun from the Rising Sun. The former conjures up images of Daisuke becoming Hideki "Godzilla" Matsui's ultimate nemesis (which would be ah-so nice) and the latter just makes me laugh. I give both sharp singles into the outfield.

But my personal favorite is none of the above, but the ever-so-witty and amusing Zaka Khan. Come on, it's brilliant! Think, every time he comes out of the bullpen after his warm-up pitches, you hear that beat, the bass line, and then, Melle-Mel's unmistakable voice:

Zaka Khan, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Zaka Khan
Let me rock you, that's all i wanna do
Zaka Khan, let me rock you
Let me rock you, Zaka Khan
Let me rock you, let me feel for you

And then the chorus:

I feel for you
I think i love you
I feel for you
I think i love you...

Ah, good times and hugs all around. A sure over-the-Monster home run if I ever heard one. Maybe we could finally banish "Tessie" or that "Dirty Water" song for good.

Of course, only 3.0 per cent of Globe readers agree with me. What is wrong with you people????

UPDATE: Zaka Khan nearly injured in freak lap dance incident!

What kind of security they got at the Staples Center? Boras (pictured next to Zaka), are you trying to get your star pitcher hurt???